Boldly Bemusedly Blingingly Blinding Baldness Brightness
by Princeps Civitatis
Summary: You have never seen Akai Shuichi without his knit cap on. When he decides to take off his knit cap, start running! ONE-SHOT, cracky humour


This short fic is inspired by a scene from the Spongebob Squarepants movie...enjoy.

**DISCLAIMER**: I do not own Detective Conan or Magic Kaito, the only thing I own in this fic is the donkey.

* * *

10 years ago

"Shuu-nii, can you take off your hat…I have never seen you without a hat!"

"Masumi, don't be ridiculous. Of course you have seen me without a hat before, you just don't remember."

"Liar! Even in the baby photos, you were wearing a hat! Also, last time, when I saw you entering the toilet to shower you were still wearing your hat, what kind of people wear hat to shower?"

"Masumi-chan! Leave your brother alone, both of us know how much of a hat-wearing freak he is. Shuichi is a bad role model; don't grow up to be like him!" The Akai middle brother interfered.

"I just saved your ass!" the middle brother muttered under his breath to the eldest.

"Thanks." Shuichi muttered back.

* * *

3 Years ago

After two years of infiltrating the organisation, Akai Shuichi finally gained his codename. Every new codenamed agent would be interviewed by Anokata via remote means and the FBI undercover was no exception.

"Rye…take off your knit cap." The altered voice of the boss ordered

Shuichi followed his(her?) order.

*long beat*

"Please put it back on, and never take your hat off again in the presence of the other organisation agents!"

…

Shuichi and Akemi are lying on their bed.

"Dai-kun, we are sleeping together…can you take off your knit cap?"

"Sorry Akemi, the boss ordered me to never take off my knit cap."

* * *

A few months ago

Akai Shuichi faked his death only a few hours ago, he was at the Kudo mansion as Yukiko prepared for his disguise.

"Can you take off your hat so I can get a more accurate measurement of the dimensions of your head so that I can create the perfect mask?" The former actress asked.

"Sorry Yukiko-san, please just measure my head's dimensions with the knit cap on, I have every intention to wear my knit cap beneath my mask."

* * *

Current Timeline

The organisation was finally crushed when Conan and allies stormed the HQ of the organisation. Rei breached the building on a pair of roller skates, while firing a M60 machine gun (with its bullets coated in APTX 4860 poison, because there is no kill like overkill) from the hip and shouting "Ramboooooo!". Shuichi used a scaled up version of Conan's powered skateboard with a Minigun mounted at the front of the skateboard. Hidemi rode into the base with a motorcycle, while dual-wielding lever-action shotguns (Terminator 2!). Makato joined the fun by barging into the HQ wearing a pair of enlarged version of the power-kick shoes, the prince of kicks was kicking no soccer ball, instead he was power-kicking the organisation members, you could hear the sounds of bone crackling as the organisation members flew several metres up after being kicked by Makoto. Conan topped of their efforts by power-kicking a bomb straight into the boss' office, personally sending the boss to hell.

As the five walked out of the destroyed headquarter, the building collapsed (for the sake of drama, I have no rational explanation as to why that happened). The five were greeted with a hero's welcome and almost the entire Detective Conan cast was there.

"Shuu-nii, take off your hat!"

"Shuu, I have never seen you without your hat, come on take it off!" Jodie shouted.

"Akai-san, I am quite curious how you look without your hat." Camel added as Conan nodded in agreement.

A flurry of whistles followed.

"Take it off! Take it off! Take it off!..." Sonoko started chanting, Ran followed suit, soon every female except Sera Masumi's roommate were chanting (I have no idea why the child was there).

Eventually the males started chanting as well.

Shuichi scowled, "You lot will regret this." He took of his knit cap anyway, revealing…..another knit cap.

"What…"

Nevertheless, there was something unusual about the knit cap which Shuichi usually wear beneath the knit cap you usually see him wearing, for it was glowing.

"Take it off! Take it off! Take it off!" The people resumed chanting.

Shuichi's eyebrows twitched.

"Stop! Don't do it!" the platinum blond child with no name given tried to shout, but broke into a fit of coughs instead.

Shuichi took off his second knit cap, revealing yet another knit cap.

"Oi, Oi…"

Chanting resumed once again, none of them realised this third knit cap was glowing stronger than the second knit cap.

Shuichi sighed as he took off his third and final knit cap.

Sera Masumi had always wondered what her eldest brother was hiding with his hats, she never believed for one second that her brother was simply an avid hat wearer. Maybe it was a funny tattoo, unlikely. Maybe it was an embarrassing birthmark, possible. It was an understatement to say she was completely caught off-guard by the thing lurking beneath her brother's knit cap(s).

Boldly blindingly blinging bright light brightened up the night sky.

"Bald…blad…bald…blad…" With clockwork precision, several people started shrieking in a horrified tone as they raised their fingers to point at Shuichi's bald head.

Masumi instantaneously shielded herself from the light source (her brother) with her arm, she felt the intense heat (from where?) radiating to her skin.

"Takagi! We have been attacked by a flashbang! Get your weapons ready!" Megure shouted as he covered his eyes.

"Megure-keibu, all our guns are not working…looks like the internal mechanisms of the guns are melting…" Takagi replied.

"Holyshit! I can feel my left eyes again! Hallelujah!" Kansuke Yamamoto cheered as his left hand was feeling the 'X'-shaped scar on his left eye. Can someone tell me why he was even there?

Suddenly Yamamoto bent down as if he was unable to support himself, he realised his metal cane had gone soft (was it melting?).

"I always wanted to tan my ass! Now is the perfect chance!" James Black shouted (in English), as he pulled down his pants and let his buttock face Shuichi to soak in all the glorious light coming from FBI's gloriously bald agent.

"Me too! I wanna tan my ass!" One of the FBI agents who were always standing in the background and not given a name replied to his boss (in English) as he dragged a donkey to where he was standing, exposing the donkey to the unrelenting light and heat coming from FBI's silver bullet.

Andre Camel closed his two eyes to protect his vision, but there seemed to be no way of protecting him from the heat. The light and the heat, they were the doings of Akai-san's baldness, he couldn't believe it but seeing is believing, FBI's silver bullet was really bald (and bold). Camel was sweating profusely, he wished at that instant he could become a literal camel to withstand the heat.

"Ohohoho! I can read your thoughts, Agent Camel and I can grant your wish…" A young female voice resonated in Camel's mind, guess who was owner of the female voice?

"If this is the arctic my fat would have been useful…but arghhh the heat!" Chiba muttered while his eyes were shut tight as he patted his belly of fat, the heat caused his clothes to be literally drenched in sweat (obese people generally seem to sweat more than skinny people, this is my uneducated and unscientific observation.)

Ran shielded herself as well, she tried to produce some tears to moisture her dried eye but she failed, she theorised her tears must have evaporated when she witnessed Akai-san's baldness. Sonoko simply used her hairband to shield her eyes, but soon there was a foul odour that suspiciously resembled the rancid smell of burnt plastic. Sonoko discarded her (melting?) hairband and dared herself to look at Sera-san's brother, whom she learned to have being Okiya Subaru in disguise.

Horrible decision, once you take a good look at his bald head you can't take your eyes off it.

"My eyes! My eyes! My eyes!..." Conan, Jodie and Sonoko repeated in abject horror. As they stared at the blinding baldness a stream of smoke was forming from their pupils. Conan and Jodie's spectacles were cracked and their frames deformed (the specs, not the people).

"Hey! How are you doing?" Masumi with her right arm still shielding her face turned and asked her roommate. Unlike just about everyone else in this region consumed by blingingly blinding bright light, the child was completely unfazed by the situation. She was wearing a sleep mask which evidently shielded her eyes from Shuichi's baldness, amusingly her pale white skin looked a bit tanned after some exposure to Shuichi's baldness.

"When I gave birth to your brother, the doctors and the nurses had to wear sunglasses to finish the procedure. Now you know why." The child commented coolly, as if she was describing something as normal as a shopping trip (holyshit does this mean the child is Sera's shrunken mom?!)

"Ai-kun, are you alright?" Agasa Hakase, shielding himself with his arms like many other people, asked.

"So this is the guy responsible for my sister's death and tanning my skin against my wishes! I will make him pay reparations in the form of expensive bags and make-up items!"

"Before you do that we should gather some data about his unique condition, for science, we are both scientist right?" The old man asked the de-aged girl.

Soon Hakase and Ai returned to the scene wearing special sunglasses designed for directly observing the sun, Hakase was also wearing a fire-proof suit. Hakase sneaked up on Shuichi , cracked open an egg and let the raw content slide onto Shuichi's bald head. The egg let out a sizzling sound and was instantaneously cooked the moment it landed on Shuichi's head, Shuichi realised what Hakase was sneakily doing and he grabbed the sunny side up and shoved it into his mouth before the egg could get overcooked.

"Can I put my hat on now?" the bald man demanded.

"Sorry, can you wait a bit longer?" The professor pleaded.

*Beat*

"I take silence as a 'yes'."

Ai took out an infrared thermometer. Aiming the thermometer at Moroboshi Dai's bald head, she pressed the trigger to measure.

The thermometer made an unusual sound, like an animal about to be slaughtered, before it managed to produce a reading. Ai stared at the results, according to the thermometer the temperature of Shuichi's bald head is 666.666 degree Celsius (939.816 Kelvin). Seconds later sparks appeared on the thermometer before the thermometer exploded in her hand.

Hakase was now holding a bottle of ethylbenzene, he unscrewed the bottle and poured the liquid onto Shuichi's bald head, before the stream of liquid even touched Shuichi's bald head it vaporised completely.

Kogoro tried to take a picture as he took out his phone, to his horror his phone felt sticky, looked like its plastic covering was melting like many other things. He attempted to open the camera app but his phone was going haywire, the screen was blinking and soon it cracked, the phone promptly shut itself down.

The donkey which one FBI agent brought along was behaving strangely as it was getting tanned by baldness, it jumped around irritably as that agent tried to calm it down to tan the donkey more. The donkey had enough, it jumped up and trampled that agent as it escaped from the scene.

"Hey Takagi-kun! I bought some Bourbon so we can celebrate together!" Sato Miwako, holding a bottle of Bourbon, approached Takagi.

Miwako unscrewed the bottle of Bourbon, suddenly a flame erupted on the surface of the Bourbon liquid (guess why). In a moment of shock she dropped the bottle, the glass shattered as Bourbon spilled on the road, the fire spread accordingly.

Chiba fainted from dehydration; he was sweating too much thanks to the brief exposure to Shuichi's baldness.

"When your brother grew older, we just cooked food with the energy emitting from his bald head. We saved a lot of household bills that way." The child with no name given explained to Masumi.

"Why Shuu-nii did not want me to know about his condition?"

"He was afraid you might reject him if you ever find out. His younger brother discovered it by accident."

"My eyes…my eyes…my eyes…" The several people who stared at Shuichi's bald head continued their mantra of horror and agony, even though they wanted to stop staring at Shuichi's baldness they could not move their eyes at all, as if theirs eyes are glued to that magnificent source of light.

"I smell something burning…Megure-keibu, your hat is on fire!" Takagi shouted in shock.

Megure promptly took of his burning brown hat and threw it away, but the hat landed in the pool of flaming Bourbon on the road, the flame roared and became even larger.

Soon the things that were on fire were no longer just a bottle of Bourbon and Megure's hat.

Makoto, who was wearing a tank top, smelled something burning as well. He raised his right arm and he saw his armpit hair was on fire!

Makoto turned to take a look at Conan, the kid paid so much attention to Shuichi's bald head to the point where he failed to realise his eye brows were on fire!

"Hakase! I can feel my sunglasses melting! We need to back off!" The shrunken chemist cautioned.

"Enough!" Shuichi barked as he put back his knit caps.

The heat vanished and the light was snuffed out. Everything went back to normal, or so it seemed.

A few people collapsed, probably from the shock of witnessing the baldness.

"I want more! I want more of your baldness!" Conan demanded, he looked like a fish desperate for water.

"No! Look at the reaction of your people when I took off my hat, I will never do it again!" Shuichi growled.

* * *

A while later…

The following conversation happens in English

Jodie: Shuu! I can't believe you are bald!

Shuichi: I am not bald, I am THINNING!

Jodie: Bald

Shuichi: THINNING!

Jodie: Bald

Shuichi: THINNING!

Masumi: Bold

Shuichi: THINNING!

Conan: Pants on fire! Pants on fire!

Shuichi: Speak for yourself

…

Camel: Guys…help. A sexy witch has turned me into a camel.

Jodie: Pfft, you are Andre Camel, you are already a camel.

Camel: Please! I am Adre Camel, not a camel!

Shuichi: I am having a hard time telling the difference.

Camel: Even Akai-san…

…

Hidemi: Hey where is James Black? I need to talk to him.

Jodie: Oh, he has been inside that cubicle for the past one hour. He claim to be having number two, but considering how long he is staying inside…

James*shouting in his cubicle*: Damn! I should not have tanned my ass, my shit has dried up and now it is incredibly painful to shit!

*A random FBI agent covered in full body cast, sitting on a wheelchair appeared*

Jodie: Erik! What happened to you?

This FBI agent I decided to name him Erik: Just like James, I really regret tanning my ass.

Moral of the story: it is a bad idea to tan your ass!

* * *

For those who do not understand the English puns

'Bald' and 'Bold' are sounds a bit similar when pronounced

'Ass' can mean either buttock or donkey

'Camel' is an animal


End file.
